"Hello there, ladies and gentlemen..."
MauLer, also known as "The Long Man," is a YouTuber whose videos mainly deal with criticism of film, television and video games. He is also one of the hosts of EFAP. The podcast is streamed on his main channel and reuploaded onto his second channel, and not an episode has gone by without him, whereas Rags, Wolf, and Fringy have been absent for some episodes.
MauLer is well-known for his very long review videos intricately dissecting films and television, and for arguing that art can be judged objectively, often drawing distinction between the objective qualities and failures of a work and one's subjective enjoyment of said work in his reviews. His most popular videos include his several-hours-long video game reviews, his five-hour review of The Last Jedi, his ongoing fifteen-hour review of The Force Awakens, and his reviews of episodes four through six (the finale) of Game of Thrones Season 8.
"Was there a reason for the gas mask?"
"Some of these movies stink."
- Logicked and Rags, on Logicked's stream
MauLer is a Longoid - a type of Homo sapiens able to elongate themselves to a massive degree. Because of this his skin sometimes can't handle it giving him skeletal appearance. Under his garniture he hides his 4 tentacles which are used mostly when MauLer goes berserk. Aside from his previously mentioned garniture he wears his trademark gas mask, a red tie, white shirt and black boots. It is believed that underneath his gas mask is another gas mask. He speaks with a light Welsh accent but he is able to talk like Americans or go full-Wales mode.
Due to being a Longoid he is young by their standards - after centuries he is 26 in human years.
Previously, MauLer's avatar was of a crudely-drawn cartoon rendition of his own face, yellowish in hue and ovaloid in shape. This avatar would change facial expression to match his tone at a given time. It is believed that under MauLer's second gas mask is that original face.
“How dare you, sir? He’s allowed to have his opinion. John Adams said so.”
MauLer can be seen as the most civil out of the EFAP hosts, compared to Rags' more fun-poking manner and Wolf's fiery personality, he usually moderates debates, is open to discussions and is against any form of harassment (not that the other guests aren't). Due to this he is often seen as the de facto leader of EFAP. He always attempts to be fair and objective and back up his claims with evidence, which can lead him to be hated by many, one of this factor were his reviews of properties liked by the Massives such as The Last Jedi, Dark Souls II or Captain Marvel. He is often attacked the most by lies, accusations of being some type of bigot by association or of being too long.
With that being said, MauLer can at times act very irresponsibly, like getting drunk in a matter of hours causing laughing at the Isle of Man flag, ignoring people or taking some jabs at others. His biggest sins are his tangents, by his own admission.
Welshman also has a soft side for Aydin. They bonded pretty quickly over Buffy and Queen Elizabeth II, for her he was willing to betray Wolf, Rags and E;R during the war with The Great British Podcast.
He considers himself to be arrogant.
"So, one side of the emotion is okay, but the other side isn't. That doesn't seem very consistent. Looks like you're just policing people about how they should feel"
- MauLer, to Patrick Willems, EFAP 4
MauLer was born 11,000 years before the 10th Age of Reclamation, as he still remembers when Goliath was simply known as "The." As a kid he went to the wrong alley and was almost choked to death by a Pineapple, giving him a life-long disdain for the fruit. At some point he and his sisters started watching Buffy, making it his favorite TV show. He later met SmilerAI. In 2014, he made his first YouTube series about Amnesia, Soma, Yooka Laylee, Resident Evil 7 and his Dark Souls II response - a great battle against Hbomberguy. During this time he also fought Joseph Anderson for the first time and met Fortea and Metal on twitch. At this time MauLer used to work retail in a toy store, where he met a lot of weird people.
In December of 2017, he released "Star Wars: The Last Jedi: An Unbridled Rage" and shortly after, his full critique of the movie. Both of them gave him immense exposure and due to it he met his future companions - Wolf (who got into contact with MauLer after MauLer took a jab at him for not liking Civil War and Ragnarok) and Rags. The trio started hanging out. Midway through 2018 they encountered Jared Genesis and alongside Wolf they battled The Not So Great Debate Guy, who was Wolf's previous follower, and then Just Write.
"Telling humans how much they should care about something historically doesn’t work very well, like, humans don’t like it.”
MauLer has been here for every episode since the beginning. He came together with Rags and Wolf in the yet-unnamed podcast to take a look at Downward Thrust and The Forbidden One. The trio were joined by Fortea to delve into the mind of Patrick Willems, then by Al to learn about male toxicity from Jonathan MacIntosh and purple abuse apologetics from Movies with Mikey. Appabend took Rags' place to join MauLer and Wolf in taking a second look at Willems. After CinemaSinsSins responded to MauLer's "Black Panther: An Unbridled Rage," he took a look at that response with Wolf, Rags, and Fringy, in the midseason finale. The trio were then joined by Smudboy to witness the introduction of MovieBob, coming to the aid of Patrick. CinemaSinsSins was redeemed in Episode 7, and took a look at Captain Midnight's video praising Killmonger and CinemaSins' video on Predator with MauLer, Rags, and Wolf. The Quinton Arc then concluded with what it had all been leading up to, the three-part Quinton Trilogy. The Right Opinion had made a response to Rags' response to I Hate Everything's The Last Jedi video, and since Rags had referenced MauLer's The Last Jedi critique in his video, TRO brought Quinton, who was more familiar with Star Wars, into his. Quinton had previously taken snipes at MauLer on Twitter, even uploading a parody of MauLer's reviews to YouTube before taking it down when people took it seriously, and it became clear that Quinton was using The Right Opinion's video as a vehicle by which to finally criticize him directly. This concluded with The Right Opinion joining MauLer and Rags to talk about his video, and then responding to a Vox video on the MCU for the fun of it.
With Rags and Wolf both unavailable, MauLer assembled a rag-tag team of Metal, Al, Fringy, and ChaseFace for an Emergency 'FAP, to watch a long-awaited video from Joseph Anderson about why, in his opinion, horror games don't work. He was rejoined by Rags along with newcomer Cynical CJ to get their first look at The Cosmonaut Variety Hour, who took aim at Spider-Man 1 and 2, for all the wrong reasons. MauLer and Rags were joined by Smudboy, DasBoSchitt, and Doomcock to look at women with Maj0r Lee, then by Al and CynicSnacks to learn about Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom from Shinobi. Wolf returned to join MauLer and Rags in watching Taxxon's response to one of Wolf's videos. The trio were joined by Fringy to witness Joseph Anderson's views on subjectivity, then by Logicked to find out everything great about The Last Jedi from CinemaWins. Our trio then moved from CinemaWins to Sins, with CinemaSinsSins returning to aid in the fight and deliver some wisdom about the Spider Oracles. JLongBone joined the roster to watch the best video they'd seen so far from the fly-swatting Sarah Z, then Weekend Warrior joined them to get an insightful glimpse into the enigma that was Tonald. This arc then came to a close, what it was all building up to, with MauLer, Rags, Wolf, and newly-promoted Manager CinemaSinsSins tackling Jack Saint and Taxxon's "Long Critique Is Not Deep Critique," a battle so lengthy it extended into a second stream that required Chase, DasBo, and Smudboy to fill in for Rags and Wolf. With "Long Critique Is Not Deep Critique" deeply critiqued at length, MauLer and his gay dogs unwound by taking a look at Snowman Gaming's video on subjectivity with Voxis Productions, after which they were visited by The Forbidden One, who granted Voxis his new name.
vs Wolf-Bot 3000
In EFAP Gaming 3, MauLer, Rags, Wolf, and Metal played a few hours of Pummel Party, though they didn't expect the horrors that would transpire as a result. When Wolf left, MauLer, Metal, and Rags witnessed the genesis of Wolf-Bot 3000, a hypercompetent AI created in Wolf's image. The three suffered repeatedly at the hands of Wolf-Bot, and had to work together to secure a victory for flesh over machine. When Rags defeated Wolf-Bot, the three of them battered the corpse of its in-game form.
TFA Part 3
Powers and Abilities
- Stretching out - The Long Man's signature move, he can stretch himself as much as he wants.
- Leadership - Long Man cares about his peers and army like a family and they follow him if they can.
- Creation of Long Content - He can last for hours with little energy waste.
- Swordsmanship - He can use sword-like weapons.
- Strength - He can match most enemies.
- Speed - He can react to many defenses or attacks in seconds.
- Intelligence -He can provide arguments and evidence on a whim.
- Unbridled Rage - Rants about something for 40–140 minutes.
- Unbridled Praise - Praises something for around 40–140 minutes.
- Long Critique - Critiques something for upwards of 5 hours.
- That's just your opinion- when MauLer gets killed he tricks Death by saying it was "subjective," so he comes back to life.
- Helmet amo - MauLer grinds/farms for helmets, adding them to his head. While wearing them he looks like he has Marge Simpson's hair, which is called "a rhino's worth of helmets". picks up three helmets, they go to his shoes, armored feet, really good on ice
- Maul Lens - MauLer only watches movies through his own lens, not a political, queer theory or feminist lens.
- Keyhole - His only known weakness is the lock on the front of his gas mask. If the key is ever found, it could spell disaster.
- Pee Breaks - Even with his great mastery over this organ, MauLer can't pee because of his gas mask, as it is a full body gasmask. If he does, the pee will fill up his mask.
"He says I try to purport myself as a god and he wants to make that god bleed... I review movies, dude."
- Whether he can stretch his genitals or not is unknown.
- The skull of MauLer is Schrodinger’s skull.
- He is one of the oldest beings that are currently alive, which include, aside from him and his family: Phred the Cosmic Chicken, Goliath, Maj0r Lee, Dadald, Tonald and Madea. He was adopted by Madea.
- MauLer has masters in bladders.
- He should have a kitkat.
- MauLer is a bull queer since he dislikes avatar
- MauLer measures things with his peen, since it's longer than a foot.
- People think that MauLer can cast a spell that makes people stop liking what they like.
- Babies are disgusting creatures that attach themselves to better humans.
- MauLer's dentist didn't like Game of Thrones season 8.
- MauLer is so long that he must take most of the screen time.
- MauLer will hit you with a fork if you spoil something for him. Don’t test him.
- MauLer had a pink bicycle and left if on a lawn as a kid.
- If MauLer was rich film director, he would buy the Wish Upon franchise and try to make it funnier and more serious.
- MauLer doesn’t go to martial arts because it includes moving and exercise and talking to people.
- MauLer has doctor wife, since he is like Ben Shapiro, she helps him in his medical analysis.
- MauLer talks through the radio after he dies, not understanding that he is dead.
- MauLer is not god, he is a demigod.
- MauLer has 17 slave children. He has tried to cut down, as it was lower year ago.
- He's seen the word "themes" misused so often that he doesn't want to say that word anymore, despite actually being very pro-th*mes.
- He predicted Sheev coming back in The Rise of Skywalker.
- The GameCube was his first console.
- MauLer chains Rags and Wolf in the basement so he can watch The Last Jedi videos with them, like the casino slaves.
- MauLer got 100,000 subscribers, so now he is a real person.
- MauLer likes Jontron.
- FNAF didn’t scare MauLer.
- Used to steal games, now he steals people's enjoyment of art.
- MauLer is very knowledgeable about cods.
- MauLer likes the Last Action Hero.
- He is a Libra.
- When MauLer runs, he is running away or, “strongly fleeing”.
- MauLer hates this timeline of planet Earth.
- MauLer invented objectivity to nitpick movies, to gate-keep people from movies he doesn’t like and to ruin the discussion on art and to say how people should feel.
- MauLer's new icon is the Skull on Wheels hood ornament.
- MauLer can’t take word “startled” seriously.
- MauLer would talk to anyone about movies.
- MauLer is the angry ranting man.
- MauLer is Wolf's uncle.
- MauLer is a critic copy of another well-known critic.
- Quester's Fest, (Fester's Quest), MauLer's favorite quest.
- MauLer likes the effort of trying to be positive that Cinema Wins tries to do, but prefers that there would be MIDDLE ground, as ignoring writing mistakes and such to see bright side of things isn’t good idea.
- He thinks Magic: The Gathering is a game for nerds.
- MauLer supports all free markets except the ones that sell children's organs.
- He likes gray and rainy weather, the most common type in Britain.
- One of his friends is verified on Twitter, a fact both of them are very ashamed of.
- He doesn't like the British government.
- MauLer's not sure if Rags and Wolf are real, they might be just voices in his head.
- People see MauLer as alt left or right, white supremacist, sjw, and liberal.
- Plot holes don’t mean that a movie is objectively bad.
- Some say MauLer calls nitpicks "plot holes" and if you defended it on any other basis than “Your opinion is subjective” and “doesn’t matter”, you are wrong.
- MauLer is an ancient wizard in his 20s.
- Mauler with mothra wings dressed as Moom Mothma.
- Cynical Reviews' dad is a big fan.
- He is currently either 17 or 3 years old.
- According to that guy from EFAP 101, he pioneered objective film criticism.
- Mauler has a spider, ladybugs and mosquitos in his living area:
- Ladybugs are endangered (he doesn’t want them to fly in his eyes nor does he want to crush them).
- Mosquitos are big and sound like motorcycles when flying past the house.
- Spiders climb onto his mic in order to be part of the podcast, but don't want to tell him the future. The second spider came to fight the first one and eventually both left. Yet another spider committed suicide by letting itself be killed by the blades of his fan. This was likely of crucial importance to the timeline, though only the spider knows why.
- MauLer used to say "stative" when he actually meant "static." When he learned the real definition of stative, he stopped.
- MauLer does not like pineapple on pizza.
- MauLer's dad said that Temura Morrison looks like Keanu Reeves.
“Interruptions are not cool.”
“I don’t want an argument, I want a discussion.”
“Tattooed into my brain” remember like this
“In these days I barely get to see the darkness.”
“Triangles are cool, squares are not cool.”
“That’s just silly.”
"Beat them and then kill yourself." "Okay." - MauLer and Metal
“Flimming his flams.”
“We got plenty to rape.”
“The clocks were fucked.”
"We've killed guests before."
“I could be writings.”
“I do like the excessive pee.”
“It happens, Rags, nature is metal.”
“First, there is no objective way to view a film, that’s why film has any value in the first place. Second, even if there was, it would be precisely the opposite, seeing as plot holes and inconsistencies are less than inconsequential."
"Twelve is a meme age." - EFAP 96
"green people are meant to look information that lazy longmen wont"
"Hibernation is overrated, coma is way cooler"
- EFAP #29 - RE: Star Wars: The Fandom Menace - Ft. Geeks&Gamers and WorldClassBullshitters
- Black Panther, The Oscar Nominations, and The State of Media Criticism ft. MauLer - TGBP Episode 4
- EFAP #3 - "How The Last Jedi Defies Expectations" - "Let's Talk about Thanos - Movies with Mikey"
- EFAP #24 - A discussion with Snowman Gaming and Jared graces the podcast - Ft. Voxis the Pipeman
- Video Games with Mauler and Rags
- The Oscars and the Poddies (ft. MauLer & Jay Exci's SinsSins) - TGBP Episode 8
- EFAP #78 - RE: "Why I loved Rise of Skywalker" - "It made me appreciate TLJ more" w/ WW, JLB and Jay